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Well that went well...

So for whatever reason, I decided that midnight is an EXCELLENT time to apply for jobs.

Too bad midnight is not such a good time for writing cover letters...I just re-read the cover letter that I sent in last night and it was...let's just say that it was a major fail. Like, worse than I failed my 1790s Novel paper fail. And for those of you not in the know, that was a major fail. Like, not enough lifeboats on the Titanic fail (which I hope isn't insensitive because I'm not talking about the actual singing of the Titanic, but rather the lack of poor planning with the lifeboats...which relates both to my 1790s paper and to my job applications...)

But I think the second application, for the job I really want, went much better. Fingers crossed! And if that doesn't workout, then there's always grad school? 

Dear Job Market

Dear Job Market,

You have, for the moment, emerged victorious. But relish your victory while you can,
because when I get done with grad school, I'm going to tear that shit up. For real.

Love,
Ness

Seriously though, upon the realization that I can in fact attend grad school for free (without having to be super smart/special/whatever-because I'm so thoroughly average that it's almost remarkable so I was never going to get a scholarship/funding/whatevs), I have decided to apply to graduate school for the fall of 2011. Hopefully studying English. With a focus on fairy tales/mythology and their influence on young adult literature. So theoretically, I'd get to read fairy tales, myths, and young adult novels or papers on fairy tales, myths, and young adult novels. For school. Which would probably the best thing EVER. Although at all the schools I'm applying to, it's a joint master's/PhD program and, well, can you REALLY picture me with a PhD? Because I'm really not that smart.

Of course, I do want to work in sports. And a PhD in English would...not be so conducive to that? I feel that interviewers would see that and be like, "Um...so what are you doing here and why didn't you get a degree in something more useful?" or "Why aren't you applying for jobs in an area where your degree would make sense?" BUT we'll get to that road when we come to it. If we come to it. If I get accepted into a program to begin with and even make it IN to an interview with a sports team. Hopefully I'm not reading the map all wrong. I'm terrible with directions.

However, the plan so far is to apply for both jobs and grad school. If I happen to get a job in baseball or hockey (I've expanded my horizons! apparently I just want to work in a sport where people swing sticks at things?) then that's fantastic and all will rejoice and I shall merrily wave to grad school from the balcony of the employed. However, if I don't get a job (and if I get into grad school), then I shall once again don my scholar's cap and jaunt over to the nearest academic institution (that will have me). 

Which means I need to start getting my shit together and start the grad school application process. Which includes finding three profs who will recommend me. I know my history advisor will, but would it be weird to have a recommendation from a history professor when I'm applying for an English graduate program? Is that acceptable? Because I don't really know if I know three professors in the English department, period. Oh. Just kidding. I just looked at the web site. Found two who might maybe recommend me/remember me? Hmm...I also need to start taking language classes for now and start preparing for the GRE and omg there's just so much stuff to do. And that also means I need to start applying for jobs.

Just thinking about it is actually kind of incredibly stressful. But it's a plan. A solid plan, I think, and it's a big step from where I was last month, last week, or even yesterday. So now that the plan is in place, time to go implement it. Wish me luck!
"The past is now another land,
far beyond my reach.
Invaded by insidious foreign bodies, foriegn speech
but the timeless joys of childhood lie broken on the beach.

The present is an empty space, between the good and bad.
A moment leading nowhere,
too pointless to be sad, but time enough to lay to waste,
every certainty I had.

The future is a barren world
from which I can`t return.
Both thoughtless and material,
it`s wretched spoils not my concern.
Shining like an evil sun, as my childhood treasures burn."
--"The Past is Another Land" from "Aida"

This song pretty perfectly encapsulates how I'm feeling about my future. No, my land hasn't been plundered and I haven't been taken as a slave for an Egyptian princess, but it's that feeling of being stuck between the past and the future, while the present feels like an empty moment that has me shaken and leaves me listless. 

An old friend called me up out of the blue today and it was nice talking to her, although it felt more like a sales pitch for a self-help seminar at times than a "lets catch up" conversation between friends. But she said some things that really hit home. She talked about how she never really let herself get close to people because she'd been pushing herself to make her resume the perfect resume for recruiters, thus friends and people were expendable, in a sense. And she talked about how once she got out into the real world, she was frustrated because there was just so much out there that it was overwhelming and she realized that she didn't know who she was or what she wanted. And that's definitely how I feel now. Well, I've known that I don't really know who I am or what I want for a while. The only certainty in my life is my family and my love of baseball. But is a job in baseball what I really want? And if it is, what do I want beyond that?

What am I even good at? All my life, the one thing that I've been good at, that I've known that I could do without question or doubt, is school. I've been a student, and a fairly good one, for seventeen years and now that I'm not, I think I'm not quite sure of what to do with myself. Which is pretty much exactly what I've written in all of my other entries, I suppose, but I just wanted to get it out there. Again.

But one thing I do know, that I don't need a seminar to tell me, is that I'll be great at whatever I do. I really will, because I'm capable of being great. I just need to find a direction.

Jun. 2nd, 2010

Wow, I'm off to a great start. Took me this long to even realize I'd been invited to this community. And did I mention I didn't even finish unpacking until like, yesterday? I'm pretty sure at least one of my dresses has been ruined because it's all weirdly bent out of shape (and oh God, now I'm trying to remember what I have in storage and if any of them might not survive) but I don't know, maybe I just need to put it on and bring it back to form or something, though the thought of my body being the one to form anything is kind of hilarious and depressing all at once.

Anyway. I've been doing a whole lot of nothing except watching television and being sad and thinking about getting out/finding a job/studying for the LSAT/researching schools/working on essays/asking for recommendations holy shit why haven't I even done that/getting off my ass and actually writing something instead of just thinking about it, but alas, to no avail. Maybe I'm just afraid to grow up. Maybe that's the dumbest fucking excuse in the world. No, actually, scratch the maybe on that one.

Speaking of dumb excuses, I feel like half the reason I plan but don't write is because I don't think it's going to be as good as it was in theory, because it never is, is it? But if I don't at least try, I'm never going to get better, and I'm never going to get anywhere. And not getting anywhere is even scarier. Sure, you can tell yourself you could have been great if you tried and feel safe or whatever, but you also never fucking got anywhere. No regrets, right? At least you did the best you could. And if that wasn't good enough, you still have time to try something else. Like law school. Shit.

So here's one of the things I'm working on. I copied and pasted this from elsewhere and there's a lot of unnecessary backstory, plus some ranting because when do I ever not rant, and it actually got so long I ended up just not posting half of it anyway. But this is my (our) community and I can post whatever I want, so HA.

Really though, skip right to the last paragraph, that's where the actual synopsis is.Collapse )

IT'S IN

My professor pulled through for me at the last minute--all right, granted, only ONE of the applications was due by today, but it's one I was really pulling for. I've been spending the last week waiting for a recommendation to come in on my AmeriCorps application (...okay, so I was late finishing up my personal statement as well), and now it's here! Now I can actually look through all the programs in the Seattle area and start sending in applications.

The first thing I noticed is that most of them are in a suburb that's, oh, about an hour and a half away from where my roommate's going to be going to school. (That's by public transit, which is allegedly very good in the Seattle area). Others look like they might be up to two hours away. Which, hey, I like sleeping and reading, so I'll be fine. And most of the programs allow you to work during off-hours, so I could probably pull a few closing shifts at the local Target, if I can get that transferred.

(On a Target note, I'm apparently on a year-long academic leave which doesn't expire until August? So the fact that I had knee surgery isn't looking like it will be too much of a problem. Physical therapy starts tomorrow!)

Now to submit a lot of applications and--more terrifyingly--send inquiry emails to program directors. Eek! At least my parents FINALLY got DSL. *pets the non-laptop keyboard*

BLAHHHHHH

 So I'm pretty sure I'm not going to find a job in baseball this season which means that I've been looking for a job elsewhere. Which has been incredibly depressing (as was reading THIS article). I realize that any jobs that don't involve engineering/IT, I'm not qualified for. Because they want people that have experience. Or business degrees. WHY DID I NOT MAJOR IN BUSINESS??? 

I think part of the problem is that other than baseball, I'm not really sure what else I'd like to do. I like books. Maybe I could work in a library or a bookstore? But neither of those things are hiring in my area. What else am I qualified for?

I did stumble across a job posting to be an extra in TV/Commercials/Movies. No experience is required! And apparently you can make $300 a day! Because that doesn't sound like a scam at all...But they especially need "Ordinary people with ordinary looks!" I'm totally qualified!

Seriously, maybe I should just go into service.

stumbling along a slightly different route

While Nessa's wandering around the West Coast looking for baseballs thrown her way, I'm hanging out in the Heart of Dixie, sitting in a coffee shop drinking sweet tea (heaven in a cup, don't believe anyone who tells you differently) and looking at the AmeriCorp application, which has turned out to be much more confusing than I previously thought it might be. If I'm only supposed to use 200 characters (including spaces) to tell you about how I learned the skill of "communication," should I use complete sentences? Should I say things like, "have been called a big mouth by everyone I know"? Who do I ask for a recommendation? Furthermore, are any of my professors going to be in their office? Why didn't I do this sooner?

(I suspect you will be hearing that last statement often.)

My goals, for now, involve finding an AmeriCorp position in Seattle, Washington, so that I can a) volunteer (something I didn't do nearly enough at Notre Dame), b) defer my loan payments, and c) live with my roommate of two years as she attends graduate school in Seattle. I also need d) to find some way of making money this summer that doesn't involve working at Target (although, if absolutely necessary, I could always go back), and right now I'm thinking about offering my services for summer tutoring, although who requires tutoring in the summer, I don't know. (Isn't the point of summer vacation not to sit inside while someone makes you diagram sentences? Side note: Do I remember how to diagram sentences? Must research.) Eventually I will e) apply to and probably attend graduate school, although where, I don't know.

And then of course I think about what's about to hit the beaches I went to as a kid, and wonder if maybe I shouldn't go gallivanting off to the Pacific Northwest. But we'll see.

My first foray into a new world

So this is it. My first full day as a college graduate has come to an end and I don’t really know what to do with it. I spent most of it traveling, which is, I suppose, more productive than spending the entire day sitting on the couch in front of the TV and devouring Oreos (although some Oreos were indeed consumed in the process of traveling).

But now that the bags are unpacked-figuratively…they’re still sitting in the trunk of my dad’s van-and I’m safely ensconced in the warm cocoon (it took me five attempts to spell that word) of my blankets, my thoughts turn increasingly to the future and the question of whether or not I have one. Well, I do have one, I suppose, unless I die sometime in the near future. But as these things are difficult to predict, preparing for a future is probably a good idea. I know three things: 1) I want to find a job. 2) I would like to find this job in baseball. The Majors, MInors, Independent leagues…I’m down for whatever. 3) I probably need to find a job until some baseball team employs me because I need to start paying off my student loans and loans are scary and bad and when I saw how much in debt I actually was, I may have cried. I can’t be certain, because I might have passed out from shock as well. (also, 4—I want more Oreos).

So what am I going to do about these things that I know? I’m going to start looking. Well, start looking harder, anyway because it’s not like I haven’t been looking. And so that’s what this blog is going to be about on my part. My quest for employment and the bumps, bruises, trials and tribulations and frustrations about the way. More than looking for a job, it’ll be about my “journey,” my first steps away from college and all the heartache that ensues. And it’ll be about growing up, because I hope somewhere along the way I do grow up. I don’t know how many people will read this, or will even see this, but I feel like writing this anyway, even if the only person who ever reads it is me. And perhaps one day in ten years I’ll look at this and smile and think about what a silly goose I was. Hopefully by then I’ll have a job.